Sunday, 20 June 2010

It's my party....I'll cry if I want to

Yesterday marked the 23rd anniversary of me being on this planet. I always find birthdays a bit odd and uncomfortable since theres this pressure to make the day feel special but that usually means just getting drinking to excess just "because it's your birthday!!". I'm not that imaginative when it comes to planning birthdays so I usually just cave in and say "Yeah OK pissup it is" but yet again this proved to be the worst idea. I've been feeling a little run down this week and haven't been sleeping well due to the humidity, couple this with being hormonal and homesick and it became bad times. Since I didn't really have any plans i agreed to go to a Para night that Max was going to. I don't know why I didn't just say "I'm just go wander around Akihabara" I guess since I have no money that would have been a bad idea too but it certainly beats giving away Y1000 and then blowing another Y2000 on karaoke that tried to charge us Y17,000....then going to a para club where nobody whould talk or even look at us then getting thrown out of our reserved booth and being denied a glass of fucking tap water! In the end I threw my drink on the floor and filled it up in the bathroom. I seriously just wanted to bomb Japan last night and I feel like an idiot for thinking I could make the day "special" by doing all this stuff. At the end of the day just being in Tokyo is special enough and I didn't need a fucking party because it made things worse. I'm now hungover, angry and tired. I would have been upset regardless but at least it wouldn't have been put down to "Oh, she just can't hold her drink very well". In all honesty I just wanted to be home yesterday with my family. I was made a beautiful video by my best friend Holly with everyone wishing me a happy birthday, that in itself made the day spiecial enough for me. The comments I recieved on Facebook, those make it special enough.
This morning I woke up at 5am and just wished so much to be home. I'm loving it so much here and I've got an awesome thing going with my job and my life here....but Goddamn I wish I could just teleport back for a little while...just enough time for a hug and a cup of tea.
So this is the tough time where I need to be strong and not give up. I'm certain this feeling won't last long. I think the lesson learned is just "Recognise your feelings and do what YOU want" If I'm feeling sad and homesick don't cover it up with fake cheeriness and think it's ok to have a few drinks....It will be the worst of times. It not like I was even that drunk, just stupidly tired and homesick.

So now it's time for work.


  1. hey beautiful <3
    i know how you feel about being away from home on your birthday!

    it sucks that the night turnt crap, they always do when they are meant to be good and special! i'm sorry i wasn't in the video, i got hollys message a bit too late and i was workin all the time :(

    I just want you to be really strong out there, i know that sometimes all that can be thought of is home, but just remember that there are crappy things back home too!

    I dont know how much you realise i miss you, but as i write this i have tears in my eyes maye! You are my best friend and i love you like family.

  2. Back here we're all rooting for you, we all know you can do this and you will feel a million times more amazing when you've spent a year there. You're already growing from your experiences and seeing things you'd never see if you'd come home early.

    As much as I love ya woman am super proud of what you're achieving out there and will keep saying just do your best and enjoy it, it's not forever xx